It's Ok To Be Exactly Where You Are

We're back! And coming to you live from the chaos of a recent 1400 mile move- with the insights & discoveries that accompany big life changes. Today we're talking about the kind of growth that can only come from shedding- shedding layers of costumes and masks and "supposed-to-be's. 

Wherever you find yourself and whatever you might be shedding today- whether that's a season that feels lonely, or shame-tinted, or maybe on the verge of big change....  it's ok that you're here, now. And the hard parts don't last forever!

Glad you're here. 

Learn more at LizMcKean.com.

You can also connect with me on Instagram @liz.mckean, or send me an email at Liz@LizMckean.com.  I'd love to hear from you!

All my love and gratitude for this podcast's beautiful cover design, created by the very best & most magical Mo Houston of JoyScout Studio 

And podcast production/editing masterfully done by Sean Gritters. You can reach Sean by emailing seangritters@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

I'm really genuine when I tell you that it's okay to just be exactly where you are. And that might be in a place that feels shamey. That might be in a place that feels like, oh my god, am I gonna have to tell on myself? Am I gonna have to ask for help in a way that maybe makes people think less of me, maybe makes people want something different from me, maybe da-da-da-da-da. And I mean the answer is like probably yeah, but also, I mean, it's not about them, it's about you. And if stripping away the part of you that is hiding the real you means losing somebody, buddies, then maybe that was meant to be for this season. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that is something heavy that you were carrying that actually just really needed to be put down. Welcome to Starfish Hypnosis. I am your host, Liz McKean. In this podcast, we meander through our conscious and subconscious minds, and we do that without a lick of shame. In these episodes, you are going to hear stories, you're gonna hear a lot of metaphors because that's how I make sense of the world. We're gonna take some big breaths together, and you are going to hear reminder, after loving reminder, that you are not doing it wrong. Any of this. I'm so glad that you're here. So let's go. Hi. Welcome, welcome back. It really is a genuine welcome back, whether or not you have listened to this podcast before, because we took an unplanned, longer than expected break. Because even though I have moved even across the country several times, I still will forever and ever underestimate the amount of time and energy and stress and everything that that that requires. So here we are, still, you know, kind of in the thick of it, and it's wonderful and challenging. It's the it's the brutal of the life. And um, yeah, and I had a few moments today in the house that I could record, and I miss talking to you. So here we are. And without further ado, let's do some breaths and then we'll get into it. So if you haven't done this before, we do three breaths at the beginning and the end of the podcast. You're welcome to join. You're welcome to listen. I hope you breathe because we need to. So take a nice deep breath in. And a big sigh out. Ah, let the shoulders melt. Let's do it again. Big breath in through your nose if you can. And slower exhale, slow as you can. Good. Even more melting of those shoulders. Last one we hold. Big breath in. Good. Hold it at the top. Maybe you sip in a little more air. Still holding. Maybe smile. Maybe swallow. And then let it go. What a beautiful thing that breath is. The thing that I love about breathing, I mean, aside from the fact that it keeps us alive, but the thing that I love about like the power of breath is that we don't have to control it, right? Like, how cool is that that we just breathe, that we just sit here in our life and might not even be paying attention. You go to sleep at night and you just can trust that that's going to continue. And that, of course, is the majority of us that are fortunate enough to have that level of health. Um, but we can control it if we want to. We can take a deep breath if we choose to. And it sends such a signal to our nervous system, especially when we lengthen the exhale, that it's it's safe. It's okay. That that parasympathetic nervous system that does the resting and digesting is reassured. And you can literally feel that, right? The heartbeat starts to slow a little bit, the tension starts to melt from the jaw and the shoulders, and it's just such a cool little tool that is built into these wild bodies of ours that have just unbelievably magical design and also some things that I would like to redeem my warranty for, my knees as an example of that. But also they've held me up this long. So gratitude all around. Multiple things can be true. We can hold so many things at once, can't we? So if you have been listening or have listened to the last couple episodes, anyways, um, I just made a big move from Rochester, New York down to Tampa, Florida, which has um less of a move to a you know brand new place and and more of a returning. We lived here, my husband and I, for quite a few years and yeah, went back to our hometown and now we're back here. And what a fascinating feeling to return as this version of me. Because we're just constantly new versions of ourselves, right? We are forever just getting to know ourselves. It's it's the relationship you have from birth to death is is with you. And if if we're lucky, we genuinely get more more deeply just in touch with ourselves as the years go on. And I don't think that's linear because what is you know, life be life in as as my dear friend Bryce says, but there's a trend towards depth. And I think depth is the right word, and that was the thing that I thought I might talk about today, is that that knowing of yourself because I feel more me than I have in a long time. And I also feel like I'm in this new relationship with myself and very weirdly in a familiar place. I have that feeling that you get um when you're in a dream and you're maybe like in your in the dream, you're in your old high school, but you can't find your locker or don't know the combination, or like haven't gone to class the whole year, but suddenly you know you have to take the test. You know, it's a little anxiety-inducing. Also, those dreams where maybe you're in like a place you that's familiar, but you can't put your finger on, or maybe it's like this is supposed to be my childhood home, but I'm not sure. This doesn't look like my room. There's a lot of that feeling of like, I know this place, but I don't, but I have to get to know it again. Or there's just little things that have been moved around that I'm not quite sure of. And there's an excitement around that. There's also a you know, a lot of good feelings and more good feelings than bad, definitely in this in my waking world situation. But even in the dreams, I feel like there are there are some good. There's some like, ooh, I'm back in my you know, house, my old room, my old school. And that's just you just gotta figure it out. Things are familiar but unfamiliar. And that feels like a really apt metaphor, not only for this move and being here back here in Tampa, but also for the the way for me getting to know myself feels. It's like there's rooms within my my mind, my myself, my psyche that I'm re-entering. And they just look a little different. Things have been moved around. How cool is that? And we talk a lot about by we, I'm just like mean the all the almighty we, like all of us in the world, and certainly in the personal development spaces that that I think if you're listening to this podcast, you probably dabbled in, or at least are seeking out your your toehold in. We talk about growth and you know, building skills and building strength and building resilience and just a lot of more. And it's really great. I think those are all things that I strive for. I want to, I want to grow. I want to be the best version of me. I want to meet more people, I want to achieve things, I want to be more of me. But I'm realizing that in order to do that, there's actually a removal. There's actually a removal of layers and layers and layers of stuff that I did not know was there, that I didn't remember ever putting on. Like, oh my gosh, it's it's hot here. I can take this sweatshirt off that I didn't even realize I was wearing, and then I took it off and suddenly, oh, I feel so much better. That feels how that feels the way that I would describe this getting to know this version of me. It's like a stripping away of layers. I'm I'm walking through you know, neighborhoods and down streets and and seeing people and even eating meals that I've had before, but now I'm doing it with a few less layers of effort, really, of trying to be the thing that I think I'm supposed to be. It's amazing how, like, when you take away some of that trying, you get to more of the being. And if you're not with me, stick around because I feel like we're gonna get there. This is happening, this real this thinking about it is happening in real time. I'm I'm realizing that that last time we lived here, I was very much myself, as much of myself as I was able to access at that time. And there was still a lot of like just so desperately wanting to be right. And I don't mean like right as in win an argument right. I mean do things right, say things right, be in relationship right. That it felt like I needed to have the right things that I agreed with and didn't agree with, believed in, didn't believe in, supported, didn't support. And, you know, certainly there's an element of that that lies on the political spectrum for better and for worse. But there was also, I think, a piece of that that had to do with the with recovery. We've been talking a lot about recovery lately. Um for me, that was getting sober from alcohol. And for people that I work with and also live around and love dearly, that is very, a very real part of our existence. Uh, whether or not that's the case for you, I feel like we all have something that we're recovering from, some kind of challenge, trauma, relationship, whatever, with a person, with with food, with ourselves. So for me, I'm looking at recovery as a way, a road back to myself. And in the beginning of that road, I didn't know what I was pointing my pointing myself towards. And so I just wanted so badly to figure it out and do it right and be so good, be so good that it would maybe make up for all the you know, quote unquote bad, that could be so unobjectionable that the past almost would become not even not erased, but like sterilized, would be so useful that all those years that I was needy, that I needed help, that I needed support, that I needed to be, you know, rescued even sometimes, were made up for to be so busy that there wasn't time, that I would just you know dilute, like really make make make the old stuff, it would just be elbowed out. And I think I said this in a previous episode, but I had this realization, maybe I put this on Instagram, whatever it was, realization at some point in the last like few years that I was like, oh, there's no world in which the past can have not happened or have not happened exactly like that. And that was devastating to realize as a person who is trying so hard to be so good that it could be different. That it could be erased, that it could be made up for. And at the end of the day, it's that's not a thing. You know, I had I had created a lot more layers of myself of like look how good I am, look how hard I work, look how careful I'm being, look how just universally acceptable I can present myself as. And now that I'm peeling those things away, or realizing that over the past few years, that's been the that's been what I've been doing is peeling those things away, that underneath it all, I'm just the most me. And that's it's the best me. And it's the me that attracts the people who I enjoy being around and who genuinely enjoy being around me. I'm not just useful to them. I get to be the me that not in that that I'm that I'm loved and feel passionate and feel feel useful. I still want to be very useful in this world to the people around me, but that's not the thing that is required of me in order to be loved, in order to be safe, in order to be able to pay my bills, you know. There's more value to me, in me, of me, than that. So I can sort of peel away those those things that that felt like I had to force it. And underneath it all, it was like, oh, I actually am of value. I actually am useful, I actually am likable. All those things I felt like I had to try so hard, I had to like fake it almost. It was like, oh, that was actually not that I didn't I didn't need to do that. I didn't need to put on a costume of myself because I am myself. And I'm fine. And I think the one part that I've peeled away that has been discarded because it was unnecessary, that it wasn't actually who I am underneath at all. Because so many, though so many of these costumes, I'm telling you, that like I'm just using a lot of different metaphors, but you've been here for a little while, you know that that's not out of the ordinary. But so many of these pieces that I've peeled away, it's been shocking because it's like, oh, I was again wearing a costume of myself. And then when I took that off, it was still me underneath. You know, I am that person. I am, I am nice, I am, you know, very like passionate and values-driven, and I'm able to help people in a very real way. And I was before too, but now I can do it in, I don't know, a way that doesn't burn me the hell out. It's kind of like how at weddings I used to be, I used to have so much fun. I would dance my little heart out. And I was drinking. I mean, a lot. A lot, a lot. And when I got sober, I was so afraid that I would lose that. I was like, man, I used to have so much fun. I used to love dancing when I was drinking. And I was pretty sure that was the only way that was possible. And then I got sober and realized, oh shit, I I still love dancing. I still love weddings. I still love that good time. I'm sure I'm less annoying as I'm doing it, you know, and I remember it. I don't fall down, I don't break my glass on the dance floor, you know? So it's like, no, that was always there. I didn't need the extra layer of stuff, of effort, of ugh. So the one layer that I have completely thrown away that I'm realizing, oh, that costume actually didn't belong to me. I'm actually not that underneath, is the one that is being unobjectionable, being what everybody needs all the time. I realized, especially as I've gotten back here to Tampa as, you know, a more rested, nourished whole version of myself than I was when I was here, which was still a version of myself I loved. It's just, I was just way more tired. Um, and one of the reasons I was so tired is because I was trying so hard to be everything to everyone. I was trying so hard to be the right version of me for that moment, and that would be moment to moment, conversation to conversation. And again, I peeled that off and I didn't need it. I still can being who I am is enough, essentially. And the thing that got thrown away is the part that was so afraid of doing it wrong, of being wrong, of saying something that would be taken a wrong way, and then I would be thrown away. No, that no, it's the part that was afraid of that that got thrown away. And I don't mean a part as in like, you know, I know I've talked a lot about parts of ourselves, as like the council of Lizzas that are in my head, and the council of you's that are in your head. And, you know, we all have a lot of different pieces of ourselves that live within ourselves. However, you want to describe that, I'm not talking about getting rid of a piece of myself. I'm getting, it's it's really it's just a costume I was wearing that I didn't need to wear. Because if if something I say or do, or something from my past, or just a way that I am doesn't suit someone for whatever their needs are, I would be doing a disservice to them and to me by tricking them into thinking that I am the thing they need. You know, like I don't ever want that. I want the people around me, whether it's someone that I'm in relationship with personally or in a work relationship with, you know, professionally, that I want us to be a match in real life and not because I'm trying so hard to be what you need. And I love that I'm a person who tries hard at a lot of things. But trying hard to be like it just doesn't really work. You know? So whatever layer of you you are on as you're getting to know yourself, I guess my invitation is that you just don't notice it. Is it exhausting? Are you exhausted? Are you exhausted from trying so hard to be what you're supposed to be? Are you exhausted from trying so hard to hide maybe some pain? Are you exhausted from hiding the thing that you're doing or drinking or taking or just some interaction with something that is hurting you maybe? Maybe helping you a little bit too, and you're hiding it from the people that care about you. Maybe you're even hiding it a little bit from yourself. Maybe you're scared that if you asked for help it would be taken away from you and you don't know how to do life without it. Very tired. I have been. And I'm really happy to say that I'm not anymore. I'm really genuine when I tell you that it's okay to just be exactly where you are. And that might be in a place that feels shamey. That might be in a place that feels like, oh my god, am I gonna have to tell on myself? Am I gonna have to ask for help in a way that maybe makes people think less of me, maybe makes people want something different from me, maybe da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I mean the answer is like probably yeah, but also I mean, it's not about them, it's about you. And if stripping away the part of you that is hiding the real you means losing somebody, some buddies, then maybe that was meant to be for this season. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that is something heavy that you were carrying, but that actually just really needed to be put down. And maybe I think this is the scenario more often than we think it would be, you actually won't lose anything. You'll just gain more of you. And you'll just be peeling back layers that weren't you to find that the just right you is right there all along. And if there's stuff that you need to deal with, you need to look at, you want to stop doing, or maybe at least do with eyes wide open. Then that's that's just another another path you're walking. It doesn't define who you are, it's not your whole story. I think about think about when I was teaching yoga here in Tampa for a lot of years and and and early when I started teaching early in my yoga career how desperate I was. For everyone in that class to have the best experience. And I never would have probably been able to put words to this at the time and wouldn't have wanted to admit it. But I was also pretty desperate for them to really like me and end that class thinking that I did a good job, which, you know, it's always been my goal for anything that I lead, whether it's a class or a talk or a coaching session or a whatever. I don't, it's it shouldn't be about me. It should be about you. Like that's that's I think my superpower when it comes to teaching yoga, is that I want you to feel very much like it's just about you. A lot of us don't get that very often. But I was not necessarily making it about me, but I was not able to let go of my need to be liked, seen, etc. And when I started teaching in spaces where people needed more than anything to have it be about them, to have it be about presence in their body. Like that those were the times that I was able to get outside of myself, and there was no, there was no worrying about whether people liked me. I just really wanted them to like themselves. And the more I got to do that, the more, the better a teacher I became. So I haven't taught in probably a year because I took a big break quite intentionally. I was tired, as I've mentioned. And then today I went to a yoga class that was just a free community class in a park, and there was no teacher. It had gotten canceled and just nobody knew about it. And there was a group of people that wanted to just do yoga, and we started talking and doing a little stretching together, and it I mentioned that I was a teacher when someone asked, and then I ended up just teaching a class to a bunch of people who I had never met, who certainly didn't come for me. And it was just what I was supposed to do in that moment. You know, it felt like this is why I'm here in this moment, and it felt so good. I had a great time, they had a great time, and the whole time I was aware that there was no way for me to know what their experience was and what their thought what their opinion was of me, and they also didn't know me at all. They didn't even know my name. You know, this was like what a gift of trust these people gave me. And afterwards it was so nice, we got to talk to each other. It was just like new friends made, et cetera, et cetera. And I just thought, man, years ago, I would have had way too many layers on to be able to just off the cuff with no music, with no setup, we were not organized at all. Everyone was just kind of like in a there was some some people without even mats, you know, it was so just raw. I never would have been able to do that because I needed it to be just perfect a certain way, a certain experience. And that wasn't the case, and that made it exactly what it was supposed to be. And even right now, what am I even talking about? I don't know. This is the first time I've had a second to sit down with a microphone since I've been here. And in the past, I would have been so worried about like, oh my gosh, do you like me? Do you like this? Is this enough? And I know now that it just is. This is what I got, this is who I am, this is what's real to me right now. And if it's what you needed to hear, then you're still here. And I'm so grateful. Like, I'm not, I'm not in for a second gonna tell you that I don't care what you think because I deeply, deeply do. But that's because I really, really care about you. And I really, really care about what I put out into the world being true to me. And I really, really believe that when I do that, it finds the people that are supposed to find it. And when I want and hope, and just intend for you to know that about you too. No matter what your current moment is, journey is, season is. And I'm really grateful that you're here. And by here I don't mean just with you know, me and your earbuds. I mean here is in this world. Because we need you. It's better because you are here. So what I would love for you to do is hit subscribe so that you don't miss episodes when they come out. I'm gonna keep talking to you here every week or every other week. We'll see what it is for the first month or so that I'm here. I just want to say a little shout out to Sean Gritters, who is my editor, producer, eternally patient person in my podcast world. And just thank goodness he's in the world because talk about wonderful people with wonderful energy. He is it. Um, so so I I will I will be here. And if you subscribe, you won't miss an episode when they come out. Uh, you can also follow me on Instagram. I'm at Liz.makean, and McKean's spelled M-C-K-E-A-N. This podcast is called Starfish Hypnosis. There's also an Instagram page that has that very same name. Everything is linked in the show notes. And I hope you follow along because there's gonna be cool stuff coming up, and I don't even really know what that's gonna look like quite yet. But you in my ether feels like would be really wonderful for all of our ethers. And I hope that you stick around. Good things to come for me, for you, for us. And now we're gonna take a few deep breaths. So give yourself a little shake. Maybe shake your arms out, let your head rock side to side. And when you're ready, big breath in through your nose. Big exhale out of your mouth. What a delight. Take another one. Big breath in. Slow breath out. Yeah, feel the shoulders melts. Good job. Last one we hold. Biggest breath you've taken all day. Good. Hold. Feel the rib cage expand. Can you bring that air into your belly? Can you smile? And then let it go. Good. I hope you let go of a lot right there. I just sure did. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. I will see you next time. Thank you for listening to today's episode. Please be sure that you have hit that subscribe button and send this episode to somebody who you think would enjoy it. You can find me on Instagram at Starfish Hypnosis, same thing on threads. And of course, if you'd like to work with me, go to my website at lizmakean.com. A big thank you and hug to my dear friend Mo Houston at Joy Scout Studios, who created the beautiful artwork that is the cover for this podcast. And another big thank you to my editor, producer, Sean Gritters. He is incredible. And if you'd like to work with him, his email will also be linked in the show notes. We will see you next week.