Control and Freedom and Loosening the Grip

We're talking about CONTROL today. And how it relates to freedom. And how it feels to yearn for both.

We're talking about drinking as a way to grasp for control, and the freedom that comes when we hold ourselves and our yearnings in a looser hand. 

Love ya, so glad you're here.

Learn more at LizMcKean.com.

You can also connect with me on Instagram @liz.mckean, or send me an email at Liz@LizMckean.com.  I'd love to hear from you!

All my love and gratitude for this podcast's beautiful cover design, created by the very best & most magical Mo Houston of JoyScout Studio 

And podcast production/editing masterfully done by Sean Gritters. You can reach Sean by emailing seangritters@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:04

And what I found on the other side of that choice was that I felt a whole lot more free, that I felt a whole lot more in control. And then a few days later I didn't. And then the next day I did. And it went back and forth and back and forth. And I realized that the only person in charge of any of that was me. And that was a real gift. And whether it is alcohol or scrolling or eating or gosh, doing yoga on a bad knee. I think that the moment that you actually do get to be free is the moment that you hold that control with a much looser hand and make the the choice to do something different and know that it's your choice. And then just see how I feel. Welcome to Starfish Hypnosis. I am your host, Liz McKean. In this podcast, we meander through our conscious and subconscious minds, and we do that without a lick of shame. In these episodes, you are going to hear stories, you're gonna hear a lot of metaphors because that's how I make sense of the world. We're gonna take some big breaths together, and you are going to hear reminder, after loving reminder, that you are not doing it wrong. Any of this. So let's go. Hello and welcome back. I'm so glad that you're here. I'm so glad that I'm here. Uh, welcome to Starfish Hypnosis. I'm Liz. I know you already heard that in the intro, and yet I'm saying it again. Um, just gonna say now, before I forget, that if you haven't already, it is just such a gift to a podcaster. If you could hit the follow or subscribe uh button on whatever podcast uh apparatus you are listening to this on. So Spotify and Apple are the most common. And if you hit that follow or subscribe, then that means that you will be notified when a new episode comes out. And that is a really big help for me too, because then I know that you won't miss an episode. And also it just shows the podcast powers that be that people want to know when an episode comes out. So that would be lovely if you are so inclined and haven't already to hit a five-star review. That is also just so, so incredibly appreciated beyond words could possibly say. So thank you for that. Thank you for being here. Let's take a few breaths, and then we're gonna talk about control today. So if you want to breathe with me, just know that there's no way to do it wrong. You can do it with me, you can do it parallel, but not quite at the same time as me. And no matter what, I'm just glad we're together. So when you're ready, take a deep breath in through your nose. And now with a big loud sigh. Ah, that's the stuff. Big breath in. This time a slow exhale out of your mouth. Yeah, keep exhaling. Let the shoulders drop, feel the jaw on clenched. Last one we're gonna hold. Biggest breath you've taken all day, all the way down to the belly. And hold at the top. Maybe even put your hands on your rib cage and feel that expansion. Maybe you even smile and then open your mouth, let it go. Oh, that's the good stuff. I still had my hands in my rib cage. That was cool to feel the contraction. Thanks for breathing with me. Man, I needed that more than I thought that I did. So as I sat here thinking about what I wanted to say to you today, I went and looked at my list that I'm constantly adding to in my phone of things I want to talk about. And they were much more fleshed-out ideas than this one, but this was just the one I wanted to talk about, and it is about control. I have been told by myself to myself and by others that I'm a person who likes to be in control, who likes to have control. I like to think I do that with a lot of grace and um, hopefully in a way that if it does cause discomfort, doesn't cause it far and wide. I know that it causes it to myself sometimes. But the more I've thought about control, the more I've realized that it is connected to another word that I've used a lot in my life, and that's freedom. I remember when I was a little kid laying in the grass, looking up at the clouds, thinking about running away. And that sounds very dramatic, but little kids are very dramatic, as we know. And spoiler alert, I didn't run away. Also, there was nothing to run away from. I had a, you know, parents who loved me dearly, a safe home to live in. But also, there were like, you know, cartoons with little kids with their little stick and the handkerchief filled with their stuff and the, you know, running away or whatever, and you know, always would would come home and learn a lesson. And, you know, the more you know and the star goes over the screen. Tell me that you grew up in the 80s without telling me. Um, and I used to love books where just, you know, a kid was out on their own with their trusty bird or dog or whatever. And again, it wasn't because I was trying to escape something. It was just like that feeling of um it I couldn't have put words into at the time. But I think it was this craving, this like yearning for that sense of freedom that little kids, you know, I mean, maybe other little kids don't think this deeply, but they don't ever really have, you know, and and couldn't, can't, you know, babies of all the animals and and humans. We need we need our parents and we need somebody to tell us what the heck to do because we don't know. Our brains are just piles of mush. Still be informed. Can you tell I'm not a parent? Anyways, I look back at that, you know, with a lot of love for that little kid. Again, I'm I'm framing this in a this was just like, you know, things happening in my imagination. And please know that I'm not, you know, advocating for or minimizing, you know, the actual scary thing that is, you know, kids leaving home or or kids, you know, whatever that this is very much just a little kid's act of imagination and not really understanding why that was in my imagination until later in life when I'm like, oh, I think I've just always had this yearning to just be unencumbered, to be able to do whatever I want to do. And it's so interesting to think about that as also a kid who always did what she was told told, who it was so important to me, and this actually has gone well into adulthood to be good, to be seen as good, to be a rule follower, to really want everybody else to follow the rules too, and be not understand why anybody wouldn't and be scared when other people don't, because you're gonna get us all in trouble. And and and that often happened in in school. Again, tell me you're from the 80s without telling me. So I think about how I craved that spaciousness or freedom or whatever the heck it was, out on my own, kind of kind of thing. And then also I, you know, craved this sense of sense of control. Both things that as a kid you don't really have. And then as an adult, both things that I never really felt like I had, and I always continued to crave them. And also continue to build a life where they didn't feel terribly possible. And I say that with an enormous amount of privilege, you know, living in a place and having the, you know, again, support systems and everything that I had. So I'm I'm not having a wider conversation about like systemic realities of people who have much less freedom and much less control than I did. This is truly just a reflection of my own little inner workings. I'm probably gonna make that caveat several more times because I want to make sure that that's not misunderstood. So I continued in my life, you know, always with this extreme inner turmoil and anxiety that I didn't understand as well. And the only time it ever felt better was, as we all know, if you've listened to this podcast at all, when I first started drinking alcohol. And that wasn't even until college. And that was the first time that I felt like, oh, this is what I've been yearning for forever. Again, without any of the language to describe any of it, without any real reason to be yearning for these things, again, as a person, you know, who is loved, who is supported, who has, you know, externally and on paper just like both of those things. But something inside me always felt so tight, so scared, so not free, so out of control. And then I drank and I felt better. And suddenly I felt free. I felt free when I was drinking because the the noise stopped, the tightness stopped, the inhibition stopped, the need to follow rules stopped. All bets were off. I was totally free. And then I also weirdly felt this wild sense of control because the biggest thing that I had never been able to control, you know, even though I probably could have named a million things that I wanted to be able to control better, the thing that I couldn't control was how I felt. And the first time I drank was the first time I felt like I now have a valve that I can turn to control how I feel. So both of those needs, both of those yearnings were realized that very first moment. And then I kept using that same tool to find to get the thing I was yearning for. To the point that I wasn't yearning for anything but that thing. And also, you know, any yearning. I might be hungry, I might be cold, I might be whatever, all pointed to I have this one solution. Everything became a nail because all I had was a hammer to use, to overuse the old metaphor. So it's just interesting because the the absolute contrast of the way we talk about really addiction and substances that that you become physically and mentally emotionally dependent on is the opposite. And it's and I think it does a real disservice to our little, you know, inner working brains that like the language isn't matching up. I'm thinking about how, you know, it it would be very rationally said that when I was drinking, I was out of control. I was out of, I didn't have any control over my drinking. True dad. However, when told I should stop, it felt like a loss of control because this was the only control I had, even though I actually wasn't controlling it at all. So it was, it was, it was incorrect, but also it was it was real for me. I finally could control how I feel. And you take this, if you take this away, first of all, you're taking something away from me. And even if I told myself I need to stop drinking, I still felt like there was some external force taking it away from me. But it felt like it was, it was a taking. It was not a giving. I was not gaining control because I no longer was controlled by this thing. It was like, this is this is my this is my control room, and you're removing it from me. And, you know, it felt the same way with freedom. And it also felt like I was left with just all that old tension, anxiety, yearning, all those things with nothing in its place. It truly was the raft that I was floating on on choppy water that was suddenly ripped away from me. And the thing that makes me so sad is that, even though I just laughed at that, I don't know why, is is that it it didn't have to be that way. And I think if maybe there was language to I can just imagine myself going back and like holding my own hand and saying, I get it. I get it. Like how how fucking scary to to not have this thing, that that the only thing that has ever made you feel better. Like that's really fucking scary. And and the thing that I can tell you is that this is gonna give you the freedom to go and find lots of things that can make you feel better. Feeling better is possible outside of this thing. In fact, feeling better is possible and sustainable and doable in a way that won't create more problems, that won't put you at risk of losing more freedom, of losing more control. I would probably say that first, because the truth is we don't have control of anything. I mean, I think most of us know that, even though it's really painful as humans to accept. And it's it's it's the uh, gosh, that old, I'm just gonna overuse like again old metaphors, but it's the idea where if you allow your hand to be soft, if you like hold your hand like it's a cup, you could hold some water in there. You could certainly hold a good amount of sand in there. But if you try to make a fist around that water, around that sand, it's all gonna come out, right? You can't hold it in a fist, it just doesn't work. It's gonna come out through your fingers, it's whatever, it just doesn't work. But if you hold loosely, you get to keep it. And it's the same thing with control. When we allow our lives to be this thing that we hold in, you know, loose, loose hands, open hands. Like I have a lot of sovereignty, I have a lot of autonomy when it comes to the choices I make in my life. I choose who I have a relationship with, I choose who I where I live, I choose who I love, you know. I I I choose, you know, a million times a day to take an action, one action versus another action, because in that moment it's the thing that I feel like is the right thing to do. I'm gonna record this podcast right now, even though I'm not totally clear on how I want to relay this topic. Or I could have decided otherwise, but then I wouldn't have a podcast to go out this week. And it's important to me. I'm only doing every other week for the next month or so, and I really want to make sure that you get those on that cadence. But there are things I can't control, right? So if I hold that loosely, it's like, I don't know, is this gonna come out terribly? Am I gonna hate it and delete it and never even let it go to my editor? Or is or will it not even did I forget to hit record? There's so many things that can go wrong, right? So I'm holding it loosely in that it's like, all right, the thing that I can control is turning on this mic and starting to talk and trusting that there's gonna be something that comes out of my mouth that somebody needs to hear. Because I do trust that that's the case. And also knowing that there are things that are out of my control that could mean that this podcast doesn't actually go out on Friday. And either way, what I could control, I did, which was turn on the mic and start talking. But if I sat here, which I started to, this is one of the reasons I chose control as the topic today, when I sat here and first pulled out my mic and, you know, put my little headphones on and said to myself, All right, what do I want to talk about? Oh my gosh, I'm I'm doing every other week right now. So these podcasts aren't going out as frequently. So I want to make sure it's just right. And what am I gonna, how am I gonna do this just right? And I can feel like Jock clenching this more thought just right.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

You know, you can hear it in my voice. And I my fists are clenched right now, even remembering how I was feeling in that moment. And I was like, oh, this is what we should talk about.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

Not in spite of, but because it's something that I haven't, you know, figured out that I'm still a person who finds myself clenching, who finds myself trying to hold water and sand in my fists, and then opening my hands and being shocked that it's not there. But I but I held so tightly. And it's so fascinating to me because there's this through line of these things I have sought out, this control and freedom that I sought out since I was a little little kid and didn't even have words for what I was dreaming of, yearning for. Why, why is why did those books that I read about, you know, kids that were out on their own, you know, making their way in the woods or whatever, you know, like what why was that something I was like, ooh, let me lay in this grass and think about that? You know, I wasn't building castles as a as a princess or whatever. I was I was making huts in the woods in my in my mind, this little world that I was building. And then when I got older, you know, and I felt just so desperate that when I found something that unlocked something the thing in my brain that that I because the thing is the the the lack of control and the lack of freedom, it was always in me. And that doesn't mean it wasn't real, it was very real to me. It still is real to me when I feel trapped, when I feel like I don't have the control that I want, when I feel like things aren't going the way that not only do I want them to go, but I know is the right way for them to go. But I can't do it all by myself and somebody else doesn't agree, and so we're just not it's not happening. And those are the moments where I could, you know, just bang against bang my head against a brick wall again and again, or hold it a little more loosely and figure out the best way forward. And that has just been my whole life. Uh a battle, I guess, really, for lack of a better word. And and the only time I ever felt like I figured it out, the only time I ever felt like I had the answer was that first time that I drank. And then I chased that for a good 15 years. And then even when I got sober, when I stopped drinking, continued to chase that, trying to figure out, okay, well, what is the way then? Is it yoga? Yoga was it for a little while, and then I tore my meniscus.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

I didn't tear it, I decimated it because I continued to do yoga and bend my knee in places it shouldn't for a really long time after I knew something was really wrong in there. By the time they went in there and fixed it, it was it was they had just removed it basically. And it's because I was trying so hard to control because this was the only thing.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

This is the thing that was gonna make me okay. And and now I continue to have moments like today, where I sit with my fists clenched and try to make something just so until I remember that if I hold it loosely, that actually is the most control that I can have. My chest was really tight when I first hit this hit record on this episode because I didn't feel like there was any way I could do it right, because I just didn't have it all figured out, you know? And now I feel fine because we took three breaths together. Because I just started telling the truth, which is that I something in me, beyond reason, even I mean, I think it's also just very human, but I think some of us feel these things more acutely than others, has always craved freedom and control in a way that, to be honest, I don't know if it is really possible in this human body on this planet, where we get to spend a little bit of time with each other. And I think the best that we can do, the best that I can do is to choose, to hold it loosely, to laugh at myself when I see the clenching, to pause and breathe when I forget about the freedom that I have, even just within myself, and to think back to that little girl who looked at the clouds with just nothing but love, to think back to that older girl who took her first sip of alcohol with nothing but love, to think of that same girl years later clenching her fists around the bottle, so terrified of giving up the only freedom and control she'd ever had. And not only think about her with love, but also think of the words that I would say to her, which I you know I said them already before, but other words I might say is that you're gonna find it. It's not gonna look like what you think. You're always gonna feel this way. Scary feelings are temporary. You are the answer. This model isn't the answer. And you feel a little better than you did before. And also Nobody's gonna no nobody has the power to make it happen. Nobody can force you. You get to decide and what what what beautiful freedom is that? The amount of times that I found myself doing just absolutely objectively crazy things to stay free, to hold on to that thing that everyone's trying to take away from me. That wasn't freedom. That was That was torture. But the day I decided that I want something different, and I'm gonna try something different, and I'm gonna give myself a gift. I'm gonna give myself the space. To decide that I'm going to do that today, to make that choice today. And just see how it goes. And know that I can make a different choice tomorrow. Because I have proven beyond all odds that I can still do whatever the heck I want, no matter what my the people who love me try to control out of me. Because there's a lot of, as a whole other conversation, a whole other side of the aisle is the control when you're a person who loves somebody who is hurting themselves in an attempt to have control, to feel free. And what I found on the other side of that choice was that I felt a whole lot more free. That I felt a whole lot more in control. And then a few days later I didn't. And then the next day I did. And it went back and forth and back and forth. And I realized that the only person in charge of any of that was me. And that was a real gift. And whether it is alcohol or scrolling or eating or gosh, doing yoga on a bad knee. I think the moment that you actually do get to be free is the moment that you hold that control with a much looser hand and make the the choice to do something different. And know that it's your choice. And then just see how it feels. Because then you're going to have another choice to make after that, and after that, and after that. And I think for those of us who have those senses of yearning and those senses of desperation kind of inside of us from a very young age, it is hard to see that there is one choice in front of us. There it's hard to even notice that we're clenching our fists because, first of all, we've been doing it for so long. And also because I just really believe that those of us who have that desperation, who have that yearning, who have that just forever GPS set to something that we can't name, we also just feel things so deeply and see things in such a big way that you can't always see that there is just one thing in front of you. It's the whole, like if I if I do this, if I say this, gosh, if I even say that I'm gonna change something, that I'm gonna make this choice, that I'm gonna put this thing down today, you know, somebody might hear me, including me. And it'll have to be forever. And then what about this? And what about when this happens? And what about when I go to this event? And what about when this person calls me? And what about when I'm this age? And what about when this bad thing happens? And what about when this good thing happens? And what about when I feel this way? And what and it's just like uh, you know, tumbling down the hill, gaining speed, and and it's that's when those three breaths come in, right? Like one thing, the next thing. What is the next thing? What is the next choice that I get to make? And can I hold that in a soft hand? I can. I think you can too. I think we can together. All right, my friends. I hope that was helpful. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not really sure if I got out what I wanted to say, but I feel better. So I'm hoping that at the very least you feel a little bit better when you started listening to this, because that's really my only goal. And I just love spending this time with you. So thank you for hitting play. Thank you for hitting follow, subscribe, all those things, mentioning it again because it's that important to me, and I'm so grateful. And to wrap up, let's take a few more breaths because it's delightful to do that. So exhale all of your air. Empty out and take a deep breath in through your nose. Big ol' sigh. Let something go. What a delight that is. Another big breath in. How slow can you exhale this time? Yeah. Nice job. Biggest breath you've taken is this last one. We're gonna hold at the top. Breathe it in.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Good job. Hold. Hold. Maybe a smile. Maybe you swallow. Maybe you unclench your jaw. Let it go.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

That feels so good every time. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. I will be back in two weeks. We're doing every two week drops right now. Um, so I hope to be in your ear again then. Until then. Thank you for listening to today's episode. Please be sure that you've hit that subscribe button and send this episode to somebody who you think would enjoy it. You can find me on Instagram at Starfish Hypnosis, same thing on threads. And of course, if you'd like to work with me, go to my website at LizMakean.com. A big thank you and hug to my dear friend Mo Houston at Joyce Scout Studios, who created the beautiful artwork that is the cover for this podcast. And another big thank you to my editor, producer, Sean Gritters. He's incredible, and if you'd like to work with him, his email will also be linked in the show notes. And we'll see you next week.